Poem: i am sick

[Image Description: A mural of chains breaking away from hands] Source.

Poem by Tejal Doshi


This piece was originally published in The Weight Journal

Content Warning: body + self hate

i am sick

 i am sick

  of cutting away pieces

of me that don't fit their mold

  of sewing on fabric over patches that

are too ugly

or too honest

  of placing two buttons over my cracked lips

binding them with thread

poking the needle through

the pink flesh

through which i've said too much

  of me

 

i am sick

  of peering into

my finger-stained mirror

see that new zit

that makes my face

not pretty

because now their eyes will snag

not in envy but in

disgust

  of me

 

i am sick

  of vomiting laughter

over their jokes

the ones that are not funny at all

and i am sick

  of dribbling the same filthy words out

of my poisoned mouth

to hear them laugh

to hear them cheer

me

  of me

 

oh i am sick

  of slicing my flesh open

  of wearing heavy bracelets over

my broken wrists

  of wanting to

kiss them

kill them

be them

  of fading into a self-made doll

coated in lipstick and pretty glitter

  of me

 

i am sick

  of saying "oh i don't care"

caring desperately stupidly uselessly

  of having to bury

my living corpse under layers of dirt

over and over

 

and the buttons on my lips

fall out in my sleep

blood drips on my tongue

mine

 

fire rekindles

too hot too wild too red and bright

and just the way

i like it

 

this is

me


Tejal Doshi is a high schooler living in India who dreams about becoming a best-selling author someday. Her work has been published or is forthcoming in The Peace Gong, Hindu Young World Magazine, The WEIGHT Journal, Teen Ink, and Carthatic Youth Literary Magazine. She has also published a fantasy e-novel called The Lost City. She is a member of MIST (Mental Illness Support for Teenagers) and hopes to make a difference with her words.