[Image description: 'a small victory but a victory nonetheless' written above two pictures of Emily, and baby's breath flowers are in the bottom left corner of the image.]
Written by Emily Bourne.
I’ve been struggling. It’s everything, all of it. When was the last time I was truly happy? I don't know.
I suffer every day, in this body of mine. Fibro, I feel your pain in my body all the time. Sometimes you prevent me from being able to move because I’m in so much pain. Sometimes I can’t open my eyes because the light is too much.
And I know my love is always worried for me. I’m not the girl he thought I was. I’m a shell of her – deep down I’m me, but I’m so much less, sadder, angrier…
My mental health has been all over the place – I mean, how could I expect to cope when every activity I love is just out of reach. Everyone else can still go on runs, they can still draw, they can still go out with their friends – it’s just me that can’t do them anymore.
I wish I didn’t lose everything. I wish I didn’t feel the way I do.
Fuck you for making me feel like I don’t deserve love. Fuck you for making my question whether this is all inside my head. Fuck you for –
I’m trying to learn to love myself again, despite you coming into my life and questioning everything. I am learning how to laugh again. I am learning to smile again.
For once I would like to come home and not be so tired. It feels like I am always sleeping. I take naps for 3 hours but then go to bed at a regular time and sleep for eight hours. I wish the fatigue would go a little easier on me. Do you know how much pain you cause me?
People are constantly telling me that I’m not trying hard enough and the reason I didn’t achieve my target grades is because I didn’t put the effort in. ‘Experts’ on the internet tell me that I need to follow a Keto diet and the reason I don’t get any better is because I need to exercise more. I don’t know how many times I have to say it, but no matter what you or the others try and program into my head, it is not my fault I am sick. I don’t deserve this.
I am so tired and so nauseous, but I am still here. You will not beat me.