Ways to Be Beautiful

Let’s face it. The topic of a woman’s personal hygiene and whatever else they do with their body is rather, well, intimate. And the only time they should ever really talk about it is when they’re amongst close friends, or having “the talk” with an adult. (Does that still happen? Or did all the parents who initiated this “talk” just happen to die of shame?) Nowadays, it’s quite common for your friends, family, and acquaintances to be grossed out by your very own personal decisions, such as growing out your body hair, doing your makeup a certain way, or not conforming to other Western-initiated beauty standards. Have no fear, my ugly ducklings! Here’s some advice to be well on your way to BEAUTY NORMALITY.

  1. Shave. Why do we have body hair, anyways? Doesn’t not shaving your armpit hair just make you smell even more like a concoction of Secret and post-gym class sweat? Not shaving is pretty darn gross, especially if you are a heterosexual, cisgendered female with a desire for male attention. Talk about a real turnoff. To be safe, just carry a Gillette with you at all times. Remove tiny bits of stubble as you watch them grow. You can never be too careful, those little suckers are everywhere. Bonus points if you let everyone know how gross not shaving is in an attempt to shame and ridicule them for their body’s natural state.
  2. Only wear the kind of makeup you see in Covergirl commercials. There’s a reason we don’t see women in popular media wearing green lipstick, or flaunting completely off-fleek eyeliner. Makeup was made to be worn one way and one way only: to cover the imperfections of the face rather than embrace them, and to look good for other people. Nothing more, nothing less. When we see women on instagram with eyeliner that is no wear near the shape of a perfect right triangle, we feel compelled to belittle them. How dare they go out like that?! Do they have no shame? How can they possibly be comfortable when their eyebrows aren’t as arched as a cat’s back in cold water?! These are the mysteries of life, and it is beyond me why anyone would engage in makeup as a creative art, when there’s clearly only one way to look good with makeup on.
  3. Keep those features Euro-centric. Popular media isn’t as diverse as it could be, and there’s no wonder as to why: European features are BEAUTIFUL. Like, the only kind of beautiful. Being light skinned with tame, long hair is the one and only way to break into the industry with ease, and they are quite well aware of it. Natural hair and dark skin are symbols of diversity, and fashion and beauty industries aren’t ready to process such a cut-throat, forward term. Isn’t being a woman of color such a strange and humorous way of living? It’s almost as if the media is trying to tell us something…

Remember, whatever you decide to be normal and beautiful, or the best form of fitting in, will never be as strong and as accurate as the media’s pressure on you to follow their norms. After all, haven’t they managed to persevere over years of demanded reform?